The Magic Pad

Dog: My humans are remarkable creatures.  They have all sorts of devices that they use to help them throughout the day.  Among these devices are several that have caught my eye.  There is a device that takes water and turns it into a brown liquid which my humans drink every morning.  (The humans seem to love this brown liquid but I don't think it smells very good.)  There is another device that is rectangular in shape and my human puts it on her knee in the evenings.  It seems to help her relax.  I am now making a great study of all these devices.  I am very excited as I have recently procured the rectangle.  It seems to have some stringy metal running through it, and it has a tail with a 3-prong silver piece at the end of it.  I am eager to learn how to activate the device.  It is rather stressful monitoring the squirrels in the front yard all day and my neck gets sore....

Human: Why does my dog keep taking the heating pad and putting it on his bed?

Love and War

Dog: Pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me....

Human:  I can't continuously pet you!

Dog: *Sigh* ....Pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me....

Dinner

Human:  Out of groceries AGAIN!

Dog: Kibble AGAIN!  Hmmm, maybe if I puke she will buy the special canned food....

The Laundry

Dog: Each day when my human goes to work, I try my very best to help around the house.  One of the areas in which I find myself constantly occupied is with my human's clothing.  There is a large machine in which my human constantly puts her clothing.  I have determined that she is trying to improve the scent of her garments, and so to help her accomplish this I mark the clean clothes as they come out of the white machine.  I feel I am a great help when it comes to the laundry.

Human: Why does my dog piss on my clean clothes?