The habits of a human

Dog: My human has a lot of strange habits that make no sense to me.  For example, she has a stick that she squeezes paste onto and places in her mouth in the morning when she wakes up and in the evening before she goes to bed.  She wears cloths instead of letting her fur grow out (in fact I have even observed her removing her fur with a blade!).  She also has a habit of sitting in front of a glowing type writer for several hours at a time plucking away furiously at the keys.  These are habits I do not understand.  However, she has one glorious habit that I do understand and that is running!  My human and I run and run and run and I love it!  We run past cars and houses and dogs and trees and shopping malls!  I wish we could run everyday forever!  I use to hop the fence and go running by myself, but I have since found it is much more enjoyable to go with a human.  I highly recommend running with your human.  The only thing that would make the arrangement better is if we were chasing a rabbit....

Human: I love running with my dog!

The Magic Pad

Dog: My humans are remarkable creatures.  They have all sorts of devices that they use to help them throughout the day.  Among these devices are several that have caught my eye.  There is a device that takes water and turns it into a brown liquid which my humans drink every morning.  (The humans seem to love this brown liquid but I don't think it smells very good.)  There is another device that is rectangular in shape and my human puts it on her knee in the evenings.  It seems to help her relax.  I am now making a great study of all these devices.  I am very excited as I have recently procured the rectangle.  It seems to have some stringy metal running through it, and it has a tail with a 3-prong silver piece at the end of it.  I am eager to learn how to activate the device.  It is rather stressful monitoring the squirrels in the front yard all day and my neck gets sore....

Human: Why does my dog keep taking the heating pad and putting it on his bed?

Love and War

Dog: Pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me....

Human:  I can't continuously pet you!

Dog: *Sigh* ....Pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me, pet me....

Dinner

Human:  Out of groceries AGAIN!

Dog: Kibble AGAIN!  Hmmm, maybe if I puke she will buy the special canned food....

The Laundry

Dog: Each day when my human goes to work, I try my very best to help around the house.  One of the areas in which I find myself constantly occupied is with my human's clothing.  There is a large machine in which my human constantly puts her clothing.  I have determined that she is trying to improve the scent of her garments, and so to help her accomplish this I mark the clean clothes as they come out of the white machine.  I feel I am a great help when it comes to the laundry.

Human: Why does my dog piss on my clean clothes?